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It would have been lunacy to say I was nervous about the coming weekend… I wanted to see Brent so much I could barely keep a coherent thought running through my mind. This mindless obsession – how could it be mindless it was all my mind could focus on? Yet this obsession knew no bounds, it reared it’s head at the shops, buying groceries, doing the housework, at the computer. I’d find myself suddenly frozen in place, a pathetic grin hiding at the corners of my lips as I remembered another detail of the past weekend. Was it real? Had I in fact simply dreamed the entire thing? Was it the product of an overheated imagination? No – it couldn’t be. These thoughts had been the furthest from my mind for an age -
for so long I truly thought I was becoming a dessicated old prune.
I wanted this weekend so badly it was becoming a drug… it tightened it’s grip on my thoughts, on my behavior, my dreams, my wish list reduced to one thing, being able to see him again. Each message was sending paroxysms of joy rushing through me, the intervening time felt like being tortured on the rack!
Then the moment I feared, dreaded arrived. The message which asked if he could call…. and when he did it was to cancel the weekend – work! He was going away for the weekend and wouldn’t be home til very late on Sunday. Was I crushed?
What a miserable way to describe how I felt. All the emotions which had been churning away inside suddenly roiled through me like a temperature inversion feeding a cyclone. My thoughts whirled frenetically in a circle, each turn tighter and more depressed than the last. I had been fooling myself, it was just a ‘flash in the pan’ he wasn’t interested in me – I was just a temporary release, a way to pass a free evening.
Yet I knew, on a subliminal level that I was being grossly unfair. Why? I asked myself that so many times… Had I been so wrong in my assessment of this guy? It was all instinctual, I had allowed my gut, that sixth sense to lead me this time. Every other relationship I;d had, I’d been controlled by my thoughts, logic, rationalising everything before committing to a move and – well that hadn’t worked out very well at all. This time, after all I’d learned over the past decade, I was allowing my ‘higher power’ to direct me, lead me to make the decisions based on what I could sense, feel, intuit about this person. Everything I felt screamed at me that this person was not someone who used people like that. The way he talked, echoing my thoughts and feelings although we hadn’t talked about them, his were the same. It was eerie, weird, so odd and yet – seemed so perfectly natural. This was the ‘soul mate’ syndrome… a term I didn’t like but how else could I describe the feeling of knowing him so intimately, so well, in such a short time?
That still didn’t get me over the hurdle of the weekend. To make up for missing out on the meeting – so strange the word ‘date’ never came up, we spent hours on the phone again. It was like having a conversation sitting side by side – but for the uncomfortable feeling of the phone gluing itselff to y ear and my arm being on fire from holding the phone for so long. It was hilarious – as I thought this he was saying the same thing.. coincidence? No I don’t think so.
If I said the weekend was endless it would be an understatement. It was so puerile. I could barely credit I could be so childish. Heavens, I was in my teens any longer, it wasn’t my first crush, my fist love, I was an adult, married, had children grown, I was ‘old’ – past this stage of idiocy. Yet no matter how much I castigated myself, it didn’t matter, I missed him like a part of me was gone. I would have done almost anything to be with him.
I was determined I wouldn’t cave on Monday and send a text as soon as he was back. It was, unbelievably, the longest four hours I have ever known. His text when it arrived had me alsmost in hysterics. I wanted to laugh, to cry – I could barely make sense of what he had written. Dare I really believe what I was reading?
He was incredibly busy – but wanted to see me – would I like to go down and we could have dinner and watch NCIS together – a favourite show of ours. Serendipity once more! Without actually saying so – the inference was plain – that I could also stay over and leave the next morning. How on earth had this progressed so far so fast? Was I reading more into this than I should?
He wasn’t a teenager either, all the rules which applied to relationships in your teens, twenties, maybe even thirties didn’t seem to apply. We were both old enough to know our minds, and freely express them – my God that was such a blessing. He actually admired the fact I had a brain and could use it. Unbelievable. But that’s digressing.
Did I agree? Are you mad??
Greeting me at the door it was like coming home… the door held wide and a kiss as I entered… and another and another. I hadn’t been mistaken, it wasn’t simply a ‘flash in the pan’, well I guess it still may have been but surely I could figure this out tonight? He cooked dinner and refused to let me help – again. This I could get to like, but it seemed so strange, so far removed from anything I had previously experienced it left me floundering trying to put it into context.  He finished his work as we settled in to watch NCIS -  that  inane bubble of happiness inside kept wanting to burst, showering me with fireworks, rainbows, party poppers.  I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry – I was ‘home’ it felt so good, it felt so right, I had truly come home tonight.  

Later – much later, I laid next to him and revelled in feeling so alive, so unbelievably wanted, cherished, loved.  Words I had never heard, never expected to, alien words of praise, compliments, whirled round inside my head.  Who was this creature he was talking about? This creature who was ‘gorgeous?’A wonderful, unbelievably sexy lover?” Someone else must be in his thoughts… I was dreaming – I simply had to be. This was not the person I thought I was.. knew I was – was it?

Yet it was his hands on my body which made me come alive, made me gasp in delighted surprise,  his lips which burned across my skin. Those thoughts which had roiled through my head in despair the day before were once more spiralling inside, thunderheads of desire, yearning, building to a crescendo I never thought possible.  I met his passion with one of my own I didn’t recognise, and because he told me so – I knew that for him also,this was a surprise. Feelings he never knew he had were pouring from him… a wellspring of emotion we were both drowning in and revelling  in at the same time. Glorious and intoxicating. I slept – another miracle for I had been having trouble sleeping for ages – another  tale for another time.  This time I woke before him… rolled towards him and gently kissed his lips.  Thank heavens I woke before the alarm… and he wasn’t late for work.

This time I knew I would be seeing him again. We hadn’t made a ‘date’ but something inside told me it wasn’t  a casual ‘roll in the hay’ what a comparison! Whatever was happening was in no hurry – all the pieces were in place and ‘in play’, and from this point on would only get better. Something, much bigger, much wiser than my poor understanding  was trying to let me see that the future had a plan for me, and that, at least for a time he would be there too.

Patience was the key – something I would have to work on. I was tired, but incredibly happy. Coming down to earth back at home was  like being wrenched out of a dream. What would happen next?

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